Welcome to the Aquarium, may I take your order?

The low down: I am in South Korea for two months teaching SAT I/II preparation classes in Seoul.

I am currently living in Gangnam, a financial district of Seoul. The buildings are large, the traffic is heavy along the main throughway, and there are the chain restaurants one would expect to find in a developed country. Overall, Gangnam is very reminiscent of downtown Los Angeles, except there are no palm trees and the people are Korean, not Hispanic.

Across the street from my hotel is Asia’s largest underground mall, COEX. I spent my first evening in Seoul wandering through COEX’s winding corridors, a layout inspired by the Borg Cube, searching for anything even vaguely resembling vegetarian fare. I found a place serving “Mushroom and Seaweed soup,” and as I chowed down on my first in-country meal, I fished out from the bowl’s soupy depths a poor, lifeless squid. Another victim of mushroom identity theft, caught in a web of seaweed lies.

When God created the first vegetarian (nature, not nurture), he whispered into her ear, “You may nibble on the green of the land; The bushels, the shrubs, and the tofus will all be yours. However, look over there.” The Almighty commanded with his usual tone of bossy insecurity, gesturing with an outstretched arm. “That is South Korea. Don’t bother going there. You will perish.” God laughed as he hopped into his golden chariot and flew away, leaving the vegetarian to forage in the understory of the forest, searching for botanic sustenance and contemplating the meaning of God’s arcane message.

From Wikipedia: “The Korea Food & Drug Administration recognizes any edible product other than drugs as food.”

Today, I report to you from a vegetarian’s gastronomic wasteland, South Korea, where a bowl of soup has more biodiversity than the Bronx Zoo and pork is considered a salty vegetable. I see egg salad sandwiches topped with ham and bags of cheddar cheese “layered with a thin strip of cod.” I order a vegetarian pizza and am presented with a bacon-topped pie. The kimchi (cabbage) is pickled in shrimp brine and the soup is made from beef stock. These crackers have fish in them and those restaurants only serve meat. As I open the lid to my second vegetarian pizza sprinkled with bacon, I am reminded of Caesar’s final words, “You’ve got to be f*cking kidding me, Brutus.”

Mr. Pizza's Motto

Yesterday, during my SAT writing class, I presented the mock prompt: Humans should be allowed to eat every kind of animal. As we compiled arguments for and against the statement, one student volunteered the notion of respecting other cultures

“Sure,” I replied, “For example, in Korea you find things in your soup which would be grounds for a lawsuit in America.”

Their retort?

“The Chinese eat stranger things.”

Fine. I’ll be sure to pack more Cliff Bars when I visit Shanghai.

Aside from the dietary issues (Don’t worry, Mom, I found two vegetarian restaurants and my Korean-speaking colleagues are ordering me different plain noodles everyday), my short time in Korea has been peaceful and interesting.

The students at the school are pleasantly respectful and while the classes are long (8.5 hours), the pay makes it worthwhile. My fellow teachers are humble folk and I couldn’t ask for a more agreeable office staff.

While I have yet to find time for tourist activities, I have spent a few days exploring the immediate vicinity. When I get lost, I embrace the opportunity to do some Seoul searching. And when I am really lost, I show a crudely drawn map to a couple of dudes who speak no English, and allow one of them to take me into his car and drive me to my destination. Of course, I remember the childhood axiom, “Don’t get into a car with a stranger taller than you.” As I scan the horizon, I see little brunette heads bobbing below me. I think I am okay.

My Crude Map

Seoul is an advanced city with clean public transportation and an overt affinity for all things technological. And while I have yet to see a movie here, rest assured, the cast of Finding Nemo will always be received warmly in the Korean market. Likely in a bowl of soup.

As they say, 또봐요

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